Imagine that to become happy, successful, and resilient to stress, you need to deal with guilt.
What is Guilt?
When is Guilt Beneficial?
How Does Guilt Destroy?
How Does Guilt Become a Weapon in the Hands of a Manipulator?
"I often feel guilty. Towards my parents, sister, child, husband, and even my boss. I didn’t say the right thing, didn’t act properly, didn’t react correctly. I can’t get out of this state. I’m exhausted by it."
Guilt is a mix of anger and fear. You fear losing what is dear to you. You are angry that you allowed the situation to occur. You don’t necessarily have to do something outrageous like being rude, hurting, or insulting people.
The Bad News: You can live with this feeling your entire life without realizing it. Of course, not everyone is prone to experiencing feelings of remorse. If you are reading this article, it means you have recognized the warning signs in yourself.
The Good News: There are several ways to cope with this feeling and make your life "lighter" and more joyful.
When is Guilt Beneficial?
Guilt helps build strong and trusting relationships with people. How does this work in life? For example, after a hard day, you lash out and yell at your child, your husband, or any person who happened to be nearby. You feel better for a few minutes as you’ve released the nervous tension, but in return, guilt comes after the discharge. You realize the child did not deserve such treatment, the husband was unfairly hurt, and the neighbor parked poorly due to the eternal lack of space in the yard.
An internal voice of judgment enters the game. You should listen to it and, if possible, apologize to the "random victim" of your mood. Acknowledge your state to your family. Everyone has bad days, and this doesn’t make you a bad person.
This is how guilt works for good. It tells you: "If you continue to hurt people around you, you will be left alone." Humans are social creatures. This inner voice is a kind of red light that reacts to our negative behavior, your censor. If the light is on, there is a problem; if not, we move on.
How Does Guilt Destroy?
The problem is that the inner censor can constantly monitor behavior. How does this work? A connection is formed. For example, you yelled at your husband in a fit of nerves — you apologized. You forgot to buy colored paper for a lesson — you explained the reason. You hurt a friend — you asked for forgiveness.
The logic is simple: a negative situation — internal reaction — atonement (apologized, explained, forgave yourself). In the future, you either do not repeat mistakes or repeat them but know how to help yourself. Correct the situation.
You lose control if the sequence of actions is broken. There is no strength or opportunity to negotiate with the internal censor.
For example, premature birth. Giving birth to healthy children is a natural desire for a woman, and you feel personal responsibility. A woman understands that even doctors cannot always predict such developments, sometimes it is just a coincidence. The situation becomes worse if a loved one blames you for what happened. Does not support. Does not give you faith in the power of love but knocks the already shaky ground from under your feet. Then guilt cycles on itself.
Unfortunately, there can be many such examples. A single mother who dedicated her life to her child. Parents' divorce. The death of a loved one. All these events probably aren’t your direct fault, but acknowledging this is beyond your strength. You are already stuck as if in a swamp and cannot get out.
In such difficult situations, only a psychotherapist can help.
Guilt has a dual role. On the one hand, it is a mechanism that helps you maintain good relationships with people. On the other hand, excessive immersion in guilt leads to negative consequences for personality and health, which a professional can help cope with.
"Beware of those who want to instill guilt in you, for they crave power over you."
Confucius
How Does Guilt Become a Weapon in the Hands of a Manipulator?
Manipulation is hidden control of a person to achieve or satisfy the manipulator’s needs.
Every woman has her own view of life and principles. You try to adhere to the rules. For example, always helping parents, relying only on yourself, achieving something through hard work.
The manipulator will impose their principles. Thus, raising children may fall on your shoulders rather than both parents. Or in addition to taking care of the children, you must meet your partner’s expectations. Change your principles. Conversely, the duty to take care of the house and family becomes more important than professional development and financial well-being. The point is that you are being re-educated using guilt.
Your husband says: "We don’t have money for this. You spend more than you earn." Your mother calls: "You’ve completely forgotten about me. Of course, old people aren’t needed by anyone." The manipulator imposes their worldview. In the first case, it’s you earned and then spent, and in the second: the obligation to take responsibility for the parent’s life.
Manipulating with guilt is a cultural norm. It starts from kindergarten, then at school, university, where we are shamed for misconduct. Dirty clothes, lost items, bad grades, poor behavior immediately become proof of guilt; defense arguments were mostly not interesting to adults. Such upbringing leads to insecurity, low self-esteem, and depression. You criticize and punish yourself from a young age and even now.
Try to counter manipulation with simple methods:
- let go of especially "toxic" people and avoid communication with them if possible;
- stand up for yourself and don’t let baseless accusations affect you;
- don’t be afraid to hurt the manipulator’s feelings; they "hurt" you without hesitation;
- don’t take to heart sarcastic remarks.
Manipulators use guilt. Not all our loved ones automatically become professional puppeteers; it’s just that guilt has become an instrument of the educational process for us, and it’s very difficult to get rid of it. But the ability to separate your principles and benefits from the benefits of other people is a good skill for a modern woman.
Let’s summarize: Guilt is a wonderful indicator of adequacy. Everyone has bad days and moods. You can lose your temper and snap. It’s normal, and it’s also normal to acknowledge your emotional state, apologize, and continue living without guilt.
Another matter is if you eat yourself up to the core under the pressure of circumstances. Sometimes you need to allow yourself to recognize that life happens differently and not everything is within our power to change. It’s okay to seek professional help.
People around can manipulate you using guilt; this doesn’t make loved ones master puppeteers. Try to protect yourself from the negative influence of manipulation. Life is beautiful, and it’s not worth spending time on the priorities of other people, even relatives.
We wish you a caring attitude towards yourself without guilt.
Author: Alexandra Lyubimova, Copywriter
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