Author: Alexandra Lyubimova, Copywriter
We say, "female friendship," and a man sarcastically chuckles. Friendship between women is often associated with gossip and envy. Men dictate who we should be friends with and who we shouldn't, mocking women's gatherings. Mothers warn of the danger and disappointment that will inevitably occur if we trust our girlfriends too much. We ourselves exchange girlfriends for friendships with men, which we are immensely happy about. Let's figure out why this happens?
On female forums, you can find dozens of messages: "no friends, no problems." Or "problems are rising, a friend just complains, constantly criticizes, envies my happiness." After such messages, it's hard to believe in the existence of a strong bond between women. To believe in trust, support, and mutual assistance. Impossible. All these negative messages are written by "wounded" women. It's easier for us to talk about hurt rather than happiness and joy.
Female friendship is as old as the world. A friend will always understand, share experiences, listen without rolling her eyes. She may not have ready-made solutions, but a couple of practical pieces of advice will surely be found. Female friendship is an opportunity to be heard.
How did it happen that women split into two camps? For some, friendship is happiness and a gift, while for others, it's evil and betrayal. We literally avoid women's groups, speak poorly of our fellow women. We allow patriarchy and misogyny* to impose thoughts on how we should live and who we should be friends with.
*Misogyny - negative attitudes of women towards women.
Let's understand why it's dangerous to believe in stereotypes about female friendship.
"Women's conversations are just empty chatter."
What do women talk about? About children, about work, about health. About everything that affects life.
When we meet, we fantasize about going on a short trip with close friends for a couple of days. How we found no words of support when we needed to comfort our daughter after a sports loss. How exhausting sleepless nights with an asthmatic child are. About pretending that a boy screaming loudly in the toy department is someone else's. This is all our life. It doesn't make us superficial chatterboxes.
Let's clarify: women don't lag behind men in terms of education.
The proportion of women with higher education is higher than the proportion of men with higher education in Belarus and Ukraine according to data for 2019.
Women |
Men |
|
Belarus |
63.3% |
56.9% |
Ukraine |
47.4% |
38.5% |
Source: Proportion of women and men with higher education for the year 2019.
Why do men find women's conversations superficial and empty? John Gray explains the difference in his book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus":
- Women have the ability to jump from one problem to another during a conversation.
- Men get upset because they can't structure problems into a single logical chain of cause and effect.
- Women share their impressions of the day in a chaotic and detailed manner.
- A man in this flow may not grasp what result the woman is expecting.
If a man can't follow a woman's train of thought, it doesn't mean there's no logic. It doesn't make our conversations empty.
We quickly reproduce information, process and systematize data not to find a solution here and now, but to analyse the development of events with the least losses for all parties. If one of us finds a way to cope with a child in an extreme situation, the other will surely remember it and use her friend's experience. That's why we need all these details and specifics.
Child-rearing is not a quick process, but a long game. Relationships with a partner are not a walk in the park. The development of important spheres of life depends on our attention to detail.
Women are smart, resourceful, constructive, and educated. Even if someone wants to think otherwise.
"Women don't befriend, they envy each other."
Envy is a wonderful feeling if you know how to use it for good. Indeed, envy has destroyed many friendships, but it's not only about female friendships, men are prone to envy just as much.
We all tend to experience this feeling. Especially when we're vulnerable: lost a job, family problems, issues with a loved one. A good friend will never insist on their own happiness if they understand the state or situation you are in at the moment. This doesn't mean you should hide your happiness, but remember the difficulties in your friend's life – it's a sign of love and respect.
Envy is a beacon of our unconscious desires. When you catch yourself feeling it, there's no need to shame or blame yourself, let alone plunge into the darkness of hatred. Who, if not you, knows what lies behind buying a car, career advancement, or a vacation by the sea? If that doesn't help, think about how you can achieve what you desire.
Friends always share the most intimate things, we know and understand well how much effort each of us puts into achieving a goal. A friend will sincerely rejoice for you today to share her joy with you tomorrow. Such a simple formula of female friendship.
Don't blame yourself if you catch yourself feeling envy. It means it's time to make changes to your wishlist.
Female friendship is not equal to envy. Envy doesn't discriminate based on gender. It's a normal human feeling. It's up to you how to deal with this feeling.
"Women steal men away from their friends."
Modern representatives of the fairer sex do not feel a life necessity to tie their lives to a man for survival and security. Financial independence and living in developed countries influence the perception of the world.
Indeed, there are cases where this happens. Your best friend enters into a relationship with your partner without regard for years of friendship.
Sometimes we hear how in the presence of our friend, our man starts joking wittily, and the friend laughs louder. It's worth understanding that cheating is the desire of two people. However, we are inclined to forgive only men, attributing everything to natural instincts.
Let's turn to an American survey.
To the question: "Would you cheat on your spouse if you were 100% sure they wouldn't find out about it?"
About 90% of men and 83% of women answered they would cheat on their significant other.
If a woman betrays female friendship, it's not without the assistance of a man.
Good prevention would be to follow these rules:
- Meet with friends only on neutral territory if there has been a sad experience or there is fear. It's normal.
- Discuss your relationships with your partner. Don't close yourself off and don't distance yourself from your friend without reason.
- Show tact when inquiring about the life of a close friend and pay attention to her tactfulness. Mutual respect is the foundation of friendship.
Your friend, your man, a relative, a colleague, or anyone you trusted can betray you. It happens. Let these people go; worthy ones who deserve your attention, friendship, and love will take their place.
Stereotypes and myths are difficult to eradicate. We draw conclusions based on erroneous judgments and believe that it will work out.
The consequences of the instructions of the older generation
"Family should come first"
From childhood, we are told this phrase as a mantra to protect the home hearth. We believe in the sacred significance and make every effort to fulfil the directive of an authoritative woman: mother, grandmother, or older sister. We neglect communication not only with friends but also with other couples. What will such isolation lead to? For example, to losing the reference point of healthy relationships. Communication helps us verify reality. During friendly gatherings, we talk about ourselves and listen to others. We see how partners communicate with each other: affectionately, sharply, jokingly, or playfully.
Something that may be absolutely unacceptable to us. Here's a situation: a friend's partner in a relationship allows himself offensive jokes about her. A seemingly harmless joke can rebound and affect the environment. In addition to showing by your example the importance of respectful communication, you are also drawing conclusions for yourself about the unacceptability of such behaviour. This is a good way to discuss with your partner the issues that concern you.
Family isolation leads to the loss of the ability to reason. You take everything at face value. You may mistakenly assume that this is how the majority lives. Especially if your mother sympathizes with her son-in-law for understandable reasons: good salary, external prosperity, position, or household management skills. But even such attributes of well-being are not an indicator that a woman is happy. It is an inner state, not a measuring scale.
Do not build a brick wall of socially approved reliability. Perhaps you will need to find a way out, and it is your friend who will point it out to you.
"The main thing is to marry well"
Here it is, the blessing and gift of all women! If we set aside irony and turn to science, we will find out that there is scientific evidence that marriage is more beneficial for men.
British scientists have found that the overall health of unmarried women is higher than that of unmarried men.
Marriage positively affects lifespan. Partners experience fewer emotional problems. Remember this more often.
Women invest themselves fully in relationships. We sacrifice our education, the opportunity to develop professionally, unconditionally accepting the role of a homemaker. There is another option when women develop, communicate with friends, and give love and care to their families. Or they reject the family and choose an independent life without family obligations.
Whatever we choose, let it be a conscious choice. The main thing is not to marry well, but to rejoice in our lives without regretting that the string of successful marriages in our family tree has ended.
Female friendship is surrounded by stereotypes and myths worse than those of the Ivy League universities.
We need to spend 200 hours with a person to call them our friend. The number is proven by the research of Jeffrey Hall, a university professor. You may say it doesn't work like that. Not all colleagues, relatives, and neighbours are friends, even if they have known each other for years. Indeed. Friendship requires time, trust, and development no less than relationships, if not more, as the benefit is not obvious.
To make friendship happen, you need to be able to trust. Be interested in a person's life, not just resort to the standard phrase: "How are you?" in the office kitchen at the beginning of the day.
Female friendship will help you get through personal life difficulties, relationships with children, or parents. At the darkest moment of life, a friend will be there: bring homemade food, drop by for an hour in the evening, cry and rejoice with you.
Seek a friend if you don't have one. Invite them for coffee if you do.
Don't deprive yourself of the pleasure of sharing your life with someone who understands, thinks, and feels the same as you. Our strength lies in solidarity. If a man forbids communication with friends, it's a reason to think. If a mother says that friends bring harm, it's a reason for sympathy.
Friendship has the power to heal you. It helps maintain mental health. Take care of yourself and your friends.
#IAmAWoman #Empowerment #Solidarity
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