No. 82 Partnership Relationships: 7 Ways to Improve Partnership

Book Recommendations for Independent Immersion in Relationship Psychology

Author: Alexandra Lyubimova, Copywriter

Partnership Relationships: Myth or Reality? What expectations does a woman bring into a relationship and what challenges does she face on the path to partnership? We will talk about the most common causes of problems. How to improve relationships and what to read to understand everything without involving psychologists.

Article Contents:

1. What are partnership relationships?

2. Causes of quarrels: infantilism, hypercontrol, irresponsibility, codependency, inflated expectations

3. 7 ways to improve relationships

4. 3 books that will help understand relationships without psychologists

"I work a lot and can get absorbed in my work. After work, I face the second shift: cooking, cleaning, and homework with the child. My husband knows how important self-realization and financial independence are to me. I love being a wife and mother, but that doesn't define my entire life. I'm not an appendage to the house or my husband, my child. I am Me. I want to spend time with my family, not with the cooking pot. My husband was raised in a patriarchal home where the mother keeps the home and the father is the provider. Unlike my husband, I don't accept these roles, I want partnership relationships. I want to know that my husband is waiting for me at home just as I am waiting for him if he stays at work."

Studies show that feelings of underappreciation and lack of love are the main reasons for divorce for most couples. Conversely, feeling valued serves as the primary factor that helps overcome difficulties. {1}

In marriage, we bring not only feelings but also our expectations of what this joint life should be like. Who is responsible for raising children, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, managing finances, and planning? It's good if partners' expectations coincide and family bliss reigns at home. Roles are distributed, zones of responsibility are established. But what about a partner who disagrees with the setup of the other half? For example, a woman dislikes cooking, and a man is annoyed by walking the dog. Disagreements lead to arguments, and joint life transitions from "soulmates" to "burdensome", and divorce may not be far off.

It's normal to bring familiar and understandable behavior models into family life. From an early age, we observe our parents, their friends, relatives, and other adults, actively participating in role distribution.

Seryozha learned well: "Aunt Masha's place was always clean, cozy, and there were pies on the table, while Uncle Misha was catching pike on fishing trips with friends. Both were happy." Girl Katya is sure that only dad knows how to cook deliciously and explain the Pythagorean theorem perfectly. Seryozha and Katya met, fell in love with each other. The puzzle doesn't fit. For him, a woman at home means cleanliness and deliciousness, and for her, it's care and helping the child with homework. They are disappointed, each with their own idea of how to live and love. Seryozha excels in philology, and Katya is better at understanding programming languages than at making meatball stuffing. Both are right. What awaits them in this case?

The couple has three options for developing events in a state of misunderstanding and conflicting views on ideal relationships: divorce and continue searching for the "perfect" partner, stay and work on the relationship, accept relationships with flaws, or even give up and wait for joint life to worsen.

Before embarking on efforts to develop partnership relationships, let's clarify what "partnership" in relationships means.

Partnership is built on mutual trust, joint decision-making and responsibility, and resource exchange. When partners achieve more together than separately. In partnership, both invest in relationships voluntarily, not because someone "should" or "must". When one partner puts themselves in the other's shoes mutually.

Before moving on to ways to improve relationships, let's understand what obstacles may arise in the couple's path to partnership well-being.

Infantilism

A state in which a person prioritizes satisfying the needs of their inner child. For example, the need for expensive gifts, entertainment, or care. There's nothing wrong with these needs.

Gifts, fishing trips, and a lovingly brewed cup of tea are all good until they become demands. If you're upset with your partner because they didn't fulfill your wish, it's worth paying attention to your own inner child first. Understand why you need expensive gifts and what's wrong with gifts in a lower price category. Why should your partner brew tea with care only after understanding your emotional state?

The problem arises only when the partner doesn't want to do this. They don't understand: why is tea needed? At what moment should they rush to make tea? What is the price range for an expensive gift? Your inner child has the right to have its needs met, but consider your partner's desire to be the responsible adult for your inner child instead of you. Either the partner willingly meets your small and not-so-small needs, or you become a responsible adult for yourself. All options require effort and awareness.

Desire for Control

The desire to control everything is hard to bear regardless of gender. A person under the pressure of control feels distrust and anxiety. Control negatively affects any relationship. Suppose you're asked to report on daily expenses, reasons for being late for work, adherence to agreements, taking vitamins, etc. Then it's important to understand the reasons for distrust. It's difficult to understand other people's reasons, but you can work with your own.

For example, if close people have often let you down and at some point you were so disappointed that you decided: "if you want it done right, do it yourself."

In such a paradigm, it's difficult to build partnership relationships, but it's possible. The skill of control helps to responsibly approach finding solutions and achieve set goals. It's easier to control your desires if only because you have round-the-clock access to your thinking process.

Unwillingness to Take Responsibility

Unwillingness to take responsibility does not necessarily have a negative impact on relationships and prevent reaching partnership. None of us is born with a mortgage, a small child, and a mother-in-law next door. It's normal to feel fear and anxiety about not being able to cope with responsibilities. It's more important to learn to cope with these emotions. Discuss your fears with your partner and close friends. Perhaps together you can come up with a plan B. Start with the words: "What if..."

For example: if I lose my job, then I'll have two months to find a new one, and we'll live on the money saved for vacation.

Keep in mind positive examples of responsible behavior towards family and loved ones.

In the TV series "This Is Us," characters Randall and Beth Pearson, when facing a difficult stage in life, predict the worst-case scenarios in search of a way out. The main thing is that they understand they have each other and deal with everything together. The couple doesn't mince words to talk about the "pain."

Isn't this an example of partnership relationships with responsibility acceptance?

Not everything is within our power: the economic situation in the country, the place of residence with intrusive relatives. It's within our power to plan a budget, leisure activities, and visits to the doctor.

Unrealistic Expectations

Many people tend to idealize their partner at the beginning of their journey together. Our expectations are sometimes based on images of men and women from movies, books, songs, plays, or stories from friends. We look at successful colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, in our view. We expect to see things that may not have been there at all, spending a lot of effort to fit the "suit" of inflated expectations.

To prevent the king from being left naked, create a portrait of the external and internal manifestations of the ideal partner and try to note the similarities and differences with the original version. It may turn out that these differences become an enticing spice that you stubbornly didn't notice before.

Codependent Relationships

Codependency is a painful need for another person: emotional, physical, mental, when there is a feeling that you cannot live without the object of dependence. Life loses meaning and interest. Just as the disease can progress asymptomatically, codependent couples may not realize their condition for a long time.

Troubling relationship signals include:

• You're afraid to make decisions on your own
• Ready to do anything to avoid a fight
• Your partner's interests are more important than your own
• You're willing to compromise your principles
• You're jealous

Such relationships are better worked on with a psychologist, provided you're aware of your condition.

In Partnership Relationships, You Complement Each Other

Partnership relationships are about exchanging resources on mutually beneficial terms. Everyone has their own conditions. What do you want from your partner, and what does your partner want from you? Discuss things that will make you happier. Perhaps you have opposite understandings of care. One likes to give gifts, fill up the car, or go for a walk, while the other doesn't. Align your desires and needs.

7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship and Bring Joy to Your Shared Life

1. Take care of each other. It's nice to come home to a place where you're awaited. If you or your partner is delayed at a work meeting, dinner with friends, or returning from a business trip, take care of dinner, draw a bath, or brew their favorite tea.

2. Do little things that bring joy. For example, if your significant other falls asleep while reading a book, a cozy blanket can be that little joy. Or a cup of coffee while one of you is working on the computer. Fresh flowers. Just let them sleep in on the weekend.

3. Give compliments. A compliment is always pleasant to hear, especially in the presence of loved ones. For example, compliment your loved one in the company of friends or family. Recognition is always timely; try to say something nice every day.

4. Set common goals. Common goals will help solidify equal roles and align in the main directions of relationship development: a joint vacation, a mini-trip for two, holidays.

5. Coordinate plans for the week, month. Google Calendar or a list of plans on the fridge will help see how much needs to be done for you or your partner. Help with the list whenever possible. Gratitude won't keep you waiting long.

6. Make a list of household chores. Yes, write down all the necessary tasks for the day and distribute them as desired among all family members. Everyone will choose what they want to do. With plumbing issues, a lottery and a sense of humor will help.

7. Plan personal time. Determine how you like to relax: watching and discussing a movie/series, cooking dinner together, taking a walk in the park, going to a cafe for a favorite dessert. Even simply discussing impressions of the day before bed will help build an emotional connection with your partner.

Even one of these seven ways will help you show your love and give your partner the opportunity to see the relationship from a different angle.

3 books that will help you understand relationships on your own without a psychologist

1. Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

Ross Harris has written a practical guide on relationships. The book is divided into three sections. In the first, you will understand what is wrong with your relationships. In the second part, you will decide whether you can save the relationship, and if you decide to save them, you will learn how to do it and establish contact. In the third, you will understand what kind of partner you want to become and what will help you cope with it. In the book, you will find practical advice and examples of situations from couples' lives, and you will be able to refer back to individual chapters and refresh your memory. The information in the book is good because you can choose exercises yourself depending on your abilities and desires.

The author's method will help you cope with and accept circumstances beyond your control without further emotional expenditure on the problems associated with them.

Simply reading this book is not enough to build deep relationships; it is worth working on them.

2. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond 

This book meets the reader as a set of the rights of the mistress of her boundaries. The author, a clinical psychologist with 23 years of experience, asserts that regardless of a woman's status, position in society, and other social frameworks, the ability to build healthy boundaries helps to put things in order in family relationships, gain respect from colleagues, and, most importantly, respect from loved ones. Learning to establish healthy boundaries is a necessary and important skill, but even more important and difficult to implement is compliance with them. The book is a practical guide to building boundaries.

Terry Cole will tell you what it's like to be the mistress of boundaries:

- striving for development without waiting for the best times and skills suitable for this;

- honestly talks about her desires because it is the only way to live the way she wants and deserves;

- deeply understands herself, her boundaries, and how circumstances that violate these boundaries interfere with life.

The book is not for one evening. Gradual immersion in oneself, one's needs, and requests will bring you the result you need - self-love. Terry Cole notes that self-love is like an airline directive to put on your oxygen mask first for obvious reasons.

3. ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship

with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Unlike the previous recommendations, Patricia Evans' book is for women who still doubt the existence of such aggression as verbal aggression from their partner toward themselves. They try to justify what was said by a bad mood and a wrong interpretation. The author models situations, dialogues, and within this model explains what is wrong and why the woman experiences negative emotions and frustration at this particular moment of communication with the partner. All situations are taken from years of experience in communicating with women.

Patricia Evans will talk to you as an experienced friend.

You will learn:

- how a person behaves, brought up in the paradigm of submission and in the paradigm of personality;

- what will happen if people from different paradigms come together;

- what rights a woman has in a relationship with a partner;

- how to analyze the behavior of an aggressive partner;

- what will be the consequences of living with an aggressor.

The book with the telling title "The Rebellion of the Convenient Wife" (translated into Russian) if it does not provide practical tools, it will help to discard fears and doubts because verbal violence is stronger than physical violence. The physical condition does not raise doubts for the victim and others, unlike verbal, when the victim literally has to balance on the brink of truth and fiction.

All three books are translated into Russian.

A male perspective on partnership relationships:

"We've been together with my wife for 15 years. Over the years, we've learned to accept all our differences. We found that I cope better with future planning, can predict changes that may affect our lives, and manage finances better. She's excellent at communicating with people and solving current tasks without much effort. We have arguments, we sometimes find it difficult to cope with something on our own, but we always discuss and resolve it. We are there for each other."

Partnership relationships can and should be created when both partners want it. Open dialogue, empathy, and trust will not only keep you on track but also strengthen emotional and physical intimacy.

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